PUTTING IT BEHIND US

Putting it behind us…

It should be simple,
After all, it was so long ago…
And in the scheme of offences—
It really wasn’t the major one…
Or it shouldn’t have been.
But this wound seems to never really heal completely…
It fades,
And it doesn’t have its own weapon anymore…
Which is an improvement.

But being without you,
Whether you are inflicting it on me,
Or whether life is happening—
Never gets better…
Time doesn’t heal this wound,
It opens it,
It pours salt into it…

And maybe I keep this wound alive myself,
Maybe it’s my heart that’s bitter and
My own thoughts rip open the stitches…
And what does that say of me?
Of our friendship?

Our friendship has always been strong,
You have been good to me…
I wish I could just let it go.

Is it that I miss you so much that I begin to
Punish you for my pain?
Or that being without you really does feel like that old pain?

And even though I know that our parting was way
More complicated than just goodbye…
You have told me of your reasons.
I do understand them. I really do.
I can’t say I blame you for leaving,
Maybe your choices were slimmer than I imagine…
Slimmer than I can personally comprehend…
But alone was so dark, so hurtful…

I always say that I understand the difference between,
The person who stands behind the door,
Waiting to attack with the knife…
And the person whose mistake drops that same
Knife into my back…
But somehow the pain is the same…
How that knife got there doesn’t
Change how it feels in my back…
And the recovery time isn’t less just
Because it was an accident.

My silence devastated you,
And you were already fragile…
Knowledge can be so damaging—
Yet you had somewhere to run.
Somewhere to hide.
Somewhere to recover.
And maybe your world had been too dark for too long,
To even consider another choice…

Before we parted…
My strength was fake,
Was forced everyday to survive—
I was too young to try to be so strong,
But I did it…
Everyday during your struggle,
Everyday that I knew of your pain
I put mine on hold…

The coins don’t compare,
We were each in such severe pain…
And don’t think for a second,
That our mutual monster didn’t know.
He may not have cared,
He didn’t think he had to,
But he used our pain to separate us…

We were on the same bus to hell,
We may not have had identical seats,
But we were most definitely on the same bus.
And he made sure we didn’t exit at any stops.

I am angry at him for a thousand offenses,
For a million abuses,
But you could have taken the weapon out of his hand…
Just with honesty…
The knife would have fallen,
It was his lies and deceit keeping the weapon alive—
But you were my friend
And you knew the truth
You could have saved me,
Maybe you didn’t know that you could,
So when you didn’t save me,
I understood—
I even hate him for tying your hands in that regard.

You came clean with me,
It did not end us…
I did not let it.
I stayed strong.
And like always,
I put my trust in our friendship—
No mountain was too tall for our friendship,
Didn’t matter the problem,
You and I seemed destine to survive,
We always came out alright.

But my coming clean,
Was meant to save me,
From the monster’s grasp…
I guess I thought your new life,
Had already saved you,
Healed you from the darkness…

I was most afraid of losing you,
I had been afraid for years—
I thought it would kill me…
I was less afraid of the monster,
I already knew what damage he could provide…
I probably would have tolerated him for much longer,
Had I known,
That you would certainly walk away…

Maybe I thought we were past
Walking away from one another…
Even on a temporary basis—
Although it didn’t feel temporary to me…

The friendship was in your hands,
All its power over me still strong—
And the hole formed by your absence darker than black,
And deeper than death…

So now as you walk away again,
This time I know its temporary—
But it still feels like death…

January 2003